Technology, Time and Tidus 1
by Don Tonberry
Summary: The first part of my FF10 script parody.


**_Technology, Time and Tidus Part 1_**

_It's a cold and desolate night on the barren outskirts of Zanarkand City (which was rebuilt and now functions as a modern day metropolis) only the sound of the whispering wind can be heard as dark clouds gather around the vast plain... however all of a sudden thunder is heard and a blast of lightning crashes down to the ground and the sky is lit up in a blinding flash... then silence surrounds the atmosphere as a man appears curled up, wearing nothing, he has spiky blonde hair and wide blue eyes. Codenamed **Technical Instrument of Destruction for the United States** (Tidus for short) he slowly gets up and drags his shiny blue sword along the floor as he staggers to the nearest building... _  
  
**Scene 1: Niko's Bar**   
  
_The bar is like a modern day pub, dart boards, pool tables and plenty of Rednecks and Young Barmaids. The bar is teeming with conversation until Tidus walks in where he causes a disturbing silence...._   
  
Tidus: What ya all so Silent for?   
  
_Tidus walks further into the bar, a few young women take a look at him and eye him up and down.. They then start to giggle to themselves, Tidus immediately approaches one of the Rednecks at a pool table with "Deadly Dave" tattooed on his arm_   
  
Tidus: I-I need your clothes a-and your Motorcycle...   
  
_Silence for a few seconds_   
  
Entire Bar: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!   
  
Deadly Dave: Who the hell are you supposed to be? Wizadora?!   
  
_Deadly Dave takes the cigarette he was smoking and burns it in Tidus' arm_   
  
Tidus: Ooowieee!! T-That hurt...   
  
_Tidus begins to cry_   
  
Deadly Dave: Awwwww, what's the matter little fairy boy? That HURT!!??   
  
_Deadly Dave kicks Tidus in the gut so he falls to the floor, the women who were giggling at him before start to taunt him._   
  
Tidus: (sobbing) I'll m-make you r-re-regret that...   
  
_Tidus goes to swing his blue sword at Dave, however this proves un-successful as the sword is too heavy, and he falls flat on his bum, much to the delight of the Rednecks at the bar_   
  
Deadly Dave: It looks like you aint been taking your vitamins kid! hahaha!   
  
_By this time Tidus has made a puddle of his tears on the floor as 3 more rednecks join in beating the hell out of him._   
  
Tidus: I'll get my dad on you! (Gets hit again) OUCH!   
  
_The owner of the Bar, a middle aged woman named Niko then enters with a young barmaid, named Yuna_   
  
Niko: 'Ere! What's going on??   
  
Yuna: (looks to see Tidus on the floor being beaten on the floor) Stop it! Please, STOP IT!! (Begins to cry herself)   
  
Niko: Dave you and your mates better leave of 'im before I kick you out!   
  
Deadly Dave: Damnit Yuna! If you weren't such a coward I woulda made you a REAL woman by now! Fine, alright gang lets show this pretty boy punk what happens when you try to show off your manhood to the crew!   
  
_A redneck smashes a bottle over Tidus' head knocking him out, the gang then proceed to argue over who's lifting what part of him_   
  
Redneck #1: Hey don't even think about it I'm not going anywhere near that thing!   
  
Redneck #2: Don't look at me...   
  
Redneck #3: What?? I've had to go near that part the last 3 times we hauled someone out.. It's not MY turn!   
  
Redneck #2: I'll fight you for it!   
  
Redneck #1: No!   
  
Redneck #2: Wassup?? Chicken!   
  
Redneck #1: You want a piece of me??   
  
Redneck #2: No but you might want a piece of pixie boy's over there!   
  
Redneck #1: I'm gonna kill you!   
  
Deadly Dave: (angry) Shut up! Shut up! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Look, seeing as none of you pathetic little wieners aint gonna shift him I'll do it!   
  
_Deadly Dave puts Tidus over his shoulder and carries him out of Niko's Bar and dumps him in the nearest trashcan then goes back inside._   
  
Deadly Dave: OK now where's that plastic looking sword of hers? Oops! I mean "his"..   
  
Yuna: I have it, I'm gonna take good care of it as it belongs to someone special..   
  
Deadly Dave: Yuna, if you wasn't so dayum fine I would beaten you to death by now!   
  
Niko: THAT'S ENOUGH DAVE! GO ON, GET OUT!   
  
Deadly Dave: Bah, I was just leaving, c'mon numbskulls! We're outta here!   
  
Rednecks: Yeah, lets go!   
  
_Dave and the rednecks leave_   
  
Niko: Geez.. that must be the 4th time some naked drunkard has came in this week!   
  
_meanwhile... on the other side of Zanarkand_   
  
**Scene 2: Zanarkand Outskirts**   
  
_The sky is a deep, dark grey and the sounds of many heavy fuelled vehicles can be heard in the distance along with an angry thunder.. once again, a screaming bang is heard as lightning fills the sky. Another man appears curled up, again not wearing any clothing but looks much older than Tidus, he has black, straight hair and stern, brown eyes. His codename is **Anti United Robot of Offensive Neutralisation** (Auron for short) Auron carries a huge samurai like sword and he uses it to help himself up to his feet when he is approached by a police officer._   
  
Officer: Sir, are you aware that you are standing on the outskirts of our city wearing nothing?   
  
Auron: What of it?   
  
Officer: Did you know that indecent exposure (notices his sword) AND carrying a melee weapon is a criminal offence?   
  
Auron: Even if I did, would that have stopped you from coming?   
  
Officer: Sir, I'm placing you under arrest for breaking codes IE-001452 and MW-953418 do you understand me?   
  
Auron: So be it...   
  
_As the officer reaches for his handcuffs Auron grabs his blade and beheads him._   
  
Auron: Hmph.. not much has changed in 100 years.   
  
_Auron takes the officers clothes for himself_   
  
Auron: You left the price tag on your shades, 40 Gil?? Cheapskate! (puts on his shades)   
  
Auron: These will have to do, now time to complete my mission!   
  
_Auron finds the dead officers' police motorbike and rides it off into the distance._

**Scene 3: Niko's Bar and Alleyway**   
  
_It's morning, Tidus awakes, out of the dirty, smelly, disgusting and rather sickening trash dumpster that Dave deposited him after the night before. As like when he first arrived he begins to stir and opens his eyes slowly... he sees the face of a young woman staring him straight in the face, it's Yuna; who happens to be holding a big black bin liner._   
  
Tidus: W-Where am I???   
  
Yuna: Don't you remember, those evil people dumped you in this dumpster last night and I just can't bear to see you like this! (begins to cry)   
  
Tidus: Hey Hey! Don't cry! That's my job! (also begins to cry)   
  
_After a whole 63 seconds of crying they both stop, Yuna realises something is wrong with Tidus._   
  
Yuna: Err..Mister.. from waist below you're all wet.. how did that happen??   
  
_Tidus' face turns red with embarrassment_   
  
Tidus: I, eeerr.. kinda h-had an accident... (face turns beetroot red)   
  
Yuna: What are you talking about??   
  
_Yuna takes a look in the dumpster and realises its half full of a greenish coloured liquid._   
  
Yuna: You pee-peed yourself??   
  
Tidus: .........   
  
Yuna: YOU SLEPT IN YOUR OWN WEE!!??   
  
Tidus: Hey, this urine is very healthy for ya! It's unlike normal human urine, us cyborgs drink it quite often to recharge our batteries.   
  
Yuna: EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!   
  
Tidus: What's the problem??   
  
Yuna: (scared) Just... w-who are you anyway??   
  
Tidus: My name is Tidus for short, I'm a cyborg sent from the future!   
  
Yuna: What's your real name??   
  
Tidus: It stands for.. uuuhh.. Te-Te-Techni-Technical   
  
Yuna: (understanding tone) Yeeeeeeesssss????   
  
Tidus: Technical umm.. I-Ins-Insug..ummm!   
  
_Brief Silence_   
  
Tidus: DAMN! I FORGOT!!! (breaks down and cries even more)   
  
Yuna: Hey.. stop it.. pleeeeeaasssee... just what are you sent from the future to do?   
  
Tidus: (excited) I'm sent from the future to.....   
  
_Another Silence_   
  
Tidus: I...don't...know...(for once Tidus just about resists crying)   
  
Yuna: Um.. well.. ok, well standing in an alleyway naked isn't gonna solve anything so in this bin liner I have is some of my little brothers old clothes.. sorry, but its all I could find..   
  
_Tidus examines the clothes._   
  
Tidus: How old is your little brother??   
  
Yuna: (shyly) Five! but he is pretty tall for his age!   
  
Tidus: (tries on the underwear) Hmmm.. these are a little tight.. but they'll do.   
  
Yuna: Ok, look I'm gonna go back into the bar and continue my game. Get dressed and meet me in five minutes upstairs yeah? I'll tell Niko that I'm letting you in.   
  
Tidus: Alrighty! I'll meet you there!   
  
Yuna: Bye!   
  
_Tidus eventually gets into the clothing after a lot of squirming and stretching, the outfit he wears looks a lot like the outfit some other unknown hero also named Tidus in a game known as "Final Fantasy X". He then walks into Niko's Bar. The bar is empty apart from Niko who is standing behind the bar and the group of 3 women who were ridiculing him the night before._   
  
Niko: Yuna has gone upstairs but she's in the shower right now. So you cant go up yet!   
  
Tidus: Ok in that case can I have a pint then??   
  
Niko: NO!!   
  
Tidus: Awwwww! Why not??   
  
Niko: Because you don't look 18! Therefore if you can't prove your age I'm not serving you!   
  
Tidus: I know I don't look 18 that's because I'm not!   
  
Niko: I knew it!   
  
Tidus: I'm 180 technically speaking! (shows a cheesy grin)   
  
Niko: (Stern) I'm not sure what those boys done to ya last night but it may have messed wiv your 'ead sonny!   
  
_Tidus doesn't reply, 1 of the girls goes to the jukebox and plays "Holding Back The Tears" by Simply Red, they all begin to giggle._   
  
Tidus: What's so funny??   
  
Girls: (already drunk on their Alco pops) "Holding Back The Beers! LALALALALA! "Holding Lack The Years!"   
  
_The girls look at Tidus and giggle louder_   
  
Tidus: It wasn't THAT small was it??   
  
_Girls break down in laughter_   
  
Tidus: (hurt) ........   
  
Niko: OI!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!   
  
_Girls immediately shut up._   
  
Niko: Ok new kid you can go up and check on Yuna now! She should be ready!   
  
Tidus: Thanx!   
  
_Tidus climbs the stairs and peeks into Yuna's room.. she is playing "Final Fantasy 7". as Tidus pokes his head round the corner of her room Yuna goes into a tantrum and throws the controller at the TV screen and then buries her head in her arms and starts crying._   
  
Tidus: What's wrong Yuna??   
  
Yuna: (sobbing) No matter how hard I try I can never beat that Guard Scorpion!   
  
Tidus: Awwwww.. there there..   
  
_Tidus looks around Yuna's room, her wallpaper is covered with "Westlife" and "Britney Spears" posters. He then looks in the far corner of the room and sees his sword, his face lights up._   
  
Tidus: Yay! Swordy! Swordy! SWORDY!!!   
  
_Tidus goes to his sword and hugs it._   
  
Yuna: (recovered from tantrum) Hey get away from there before you cut yourself!   
  
Tidus: Yes Grand Master!   
  
Yuna: Sorry??   
  
Tidus: Ah relax its just a little bug in my program! I'll be fine! I'm so glad you kept my sword though!   
  
Yuna: Its ok! So what are you gonna do now?   
  
Tidus: Another thing I don't know..   
  
Yuna: I have an Idea! Lets travel to Lulu's house! She might know something! She always was kinda weird, and her husband Wakka. They have a child named Chappu too!   
  
Tidus: I-I dunno.. I could be rejected and laughed at again!   
  
Yuna: No No! Lulu is stranger than you are! Trust me!   
  
Tidus: Oh alright! Lets go!   
  
_Tidus and Yuna leave Niko's Bar and journey to Lulu's House. Meanwhile...._   
  
**Scene 4: Mean Streets Of Zanarkand**   
  
_Auron is patrolling the inner suburbs of Zanarkand on his "borrowed" police bike when he spots a gang of youths in an alley. Looking for clues, he turns in and goes to question them._   
  
Youth #1: SHIT ITS THE FUCKING COPPERS! RUN!!   
  
Auron: Your too late!   
  
_Auron corners them with his bike and slowly steps towards them._   
  
Youth #2: Ah man we iz gonna get busted!   
  
Youth #1: Lets stab 'im!   
  
Auron: I wouldn't do that if I were you! (Draws sword)   
  
Youth #2: OH FUCK!!!   
  
Youth #1: Ok here, here's all of our pot, smack, heroin! the lot! take it! TAKE IT!!   
  
Auron: Where's Chappu??   
  
Youth #2: Who?   
  
_A youth dressed as a rapper approaches Auron and puts on a rap beat._   
  
Youth #3: "I say this bloke is New!   
He's looking for Chappu!   
But we don't like guy's in Blue!   
So lets make copper stew!"   
  
_Auron takes a step back and then with a powerful lunge pierces Youth #3 straight through his body, lifts him high up in the air and slams him hard on the ground.. blood is spilled everywhere._   
  
Auron: Rap died in the 21st Century, as did you.   
  
Youth #1: HE'S A FUCKING PSYCHO MAN!   
  
Youth #2: He's like, so totally tripping!   
  
Youth #4: S-SIR WE DONT KNOW SHIT! SO GET THE FUCK OUTTA OUR 'HOOD!   
  
Auron: Kids...   
  
_An old banger drives by the side of the road with yet another youth on the wheel._   
  
Youth #5: FUCKIN' GET IN THE FUCKIN SHITTY CAR!   
  
_The gang rush past Auron and jump into the vehicle that drives off with a screeching skid. Auron is left Alone._   
  
Auron: I shall find Chappu and then eliminate him! That is my mission, nobody shall stand in my way!   
  
_Auron gets back onto his bike and drives off into the distance._


End file.
